(written in june 2006)
I feel somewhat trapped.
I'm in a relationship which relevance I doubt… and I have feelings for someone which genuineness I do not trust, but to break his heart like mine was once broken… it is something I cannot do, although I often wish to remain alone and give myself time to think and to be, who I want to be, without obligations... I mean didn’t Maya Angelou write an essay entitled EVEN THE STARS LOOK LONESOME SOMETIMES?
Maybe I should feel happy, who knows… maybe my inspiration to all this poetry I write is partly due to this situation...
But there’s also all my essays in writing, pushing me to believe I have a shot at being a writer... I see my name on books, one called LEINE'S COLLECTION OF POEMS and another called THE CHILDREN OF THE DIASPORA and US. Is it possible I wonder, with my mother in the way pushing me to become a lawyer? I’ve reduced myself to going towards being a legal adviser.
This situation is an inspiration too, and let’s not forget all those insightful books I read and my interest in anything to do with Africa and its descendants all over the globe.
A writer, my true calling, but first I need to collect my self, spend some time alone, stop pretending that I am part of the world others have created for me, need my dictionary and thesaurus, meet Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, travel to different places, taste different cultures, learn about other religions...listen to different music, a different one to the infected ones I hear everyday, the one about greed murder rape and black people’s sweetest sins: arrogance and superficiality...
Then incorporate it in many different essays, then write a novel that will include different African traditions, Ivorian first (for that will be a true tribute to my homeland) then write books all can read, to inform the masses about hidden lies that I wish to uncover...
How can aspire to be a mere legal adviser? Ok maybe at first for my funding, but then...all my life stuck in an office answering the telephone? NO, I’m a free spirit, one who looks for God, true, but one who also cares deeply about the fate of its people...in a POETICAL way. A poet, essayist, novelist, anthropologist, historian, activist...all these words to describe what I am, and want to let others see... a WRITTER.
All thanks to you my significant other. Although I feel uncertain of my love for you, I know our friendship is the best there is, and in that way I love you (I can finally say it, and mean it too!) thanks for being somewhat of a shoulder and ear for me... if only we weren’t bound by those silly "we're going out" vows! Our friendship would take us even higher, but it is hindered...like Corinne Bailey Rae once sang...ALL THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
I feel somewhat trapped.
I'm in a relationship which relevance I doubt… and I have feelings for someone which genuineness I do not trust, but to break his heart like mine was once broken… it is something I cannot do, although I often wish to remain alone and give myself time to think and to be, who I want to be, without obligations... I mean didn’t Maya Angelou write an essay entitled EVEN THE STARS LOOK LONESOME SOMETIMES?
Maybe I should feel happy, who knows… maybe my inspiration to all this poetry I write is partly due to this situation...
But there’s also all my essays in writing, pushing me to believe I have a shot at being a writer... I see my name on books, one called LEINE'S COLLECTION OF POEMS and another called THE CHILDREN OF THE DIASPORA and US. Is it possible I wonder, with my mother in the way pushing me to become a lawyer? I’ve reduced myself to going towards being a legal adviser.
This situation is an inspiration too, and let’s not forget all those insightful books I read and my interest in anything to do with Africa and its descendants all over the globe.
A writer, my true calling, but first I need to collect my self, spend some time alone, stop pretending that I am part of the world others have created for me, need my dictionary and thesaurus, meet Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, travel to different places, taste different cultures, learn about other religions...listen to different music, a different one to the infected ones I hear everyday, the one about greed murder rape and black people’s sweetest sins: arrogance and superficiality...
Then incorporate it in many different essays, then write a novel that will include different African traditions, Ivorian first (for that will be a true tribute to my homeland) then write books all can read, to inform the masses about hidden lies that I wish to uncover...
How can aspire to be a mere legal adviser? Ok maybe at first for my funding, but then...all my life stuck in an office answering the telephone? NO, I’m a free spirit, one who looks for God, true, but one who also cares deeply about the fate of its people...in a POETICAL way. A poet, essayist, novelist, anthropologist, historian, activist...all these words to describe what I am, and want to let others see... a WRITTER.
All thanks to you my significant other. Although I feel uncertain of my love for you, I know our friendship is the best there is, and in that way I love you (I can finally say it, and mean it too!) thanks for being somewhat of a shoulder and ear for me... if only we weren’t bound by those silly "we're going out" vows! Our friendship would take us even higher, but it is hindered...like Corinne Bailey Rae once sang...ALL THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
