Last Night

*Names changed to protect the identity of the people mentioned

Two things happened to me yesterday... two things that made me want to write.

The only one I will write about is the meeting, at 10pm, in Woolwhich. I was inside one of those BEAUTIFUL flats, on the riverside, you know, the expensive ones (£1000) a month. I went there with Tanaka, to meet one of his friends (22 year old Tendai from Zimbabwe), who's off to Afghanistan today (he's in the army you see).
There were two other guys in the flat, all infantry soldiers.

The night before, I had watched a program on telly...

• The Men Who Wouldn't Fight, challenging the stigma attached to conscientious objectors (first aired on 10 November 2008).

Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_Forgotten_(TV)"

The program reminded me of the poets I studied for A'Level (war poetry) and the pain and suffering. the soldiers I met last night, hadn't gone to war per say, before hand, but they knew what awaited them. I was feeling somewhat astonished!
We talked for about an hour, I looked around the flat, it was so amazingly stunning, yes the PLACE was stunning! It had a view on the Thames river, you could see the ferry, Canary Wharf etc... the flat itself looked like a movie set... privileges of a married army officer *Curtis said (the 22 year old, married with one kid, Malawian guy). *Samuel (the Ghanian soldier, that I still do not know much about...) was still living at the army barracks near Woolwhich Dockyard. he had no wife. Tanaka's friend (Tendai) was staying with Curtis because he needed moral support, not that he really feared the war, but he is faced with having to divorce his wife. She can not handle the life he lives.

I think of him as a heartbroken man, going into one of the most dangerous places on earth when you are a British soldier. Not having much to hold on to, he goes out into this war enraged at his wife's lack of support and betrayal... he goes out not believing in love, and maybe not believing he is worthy to BE loved.
Of all the three stories, his was the saddest. He joined the army for her I think, so they could live the good life...

When we were about to leave those three wonderful souls, Tanaka stood up and ask to pray for them, Samuel eagerly agreed, Curtis liked the idea of it, but I think Tendai was unmoved.
Tanaka prayed and we all felt a bond forming in that splendid living room... the wave of camaraderie surrounded all of us, I was quick to give hugs, and felt like the shadow of a mother sending her sons out to the lions... I cared for them in that instant, and asked God to protect them emotionaly. Through Wilfred Owen and Siegfried Sassoon, I saw the pain they were about to endure and Tendai's future rage...
I felt my spirit crush when I remembered the faces of people who were killed and mentioned for a minute on the news... I wanted to hold them and tell them they'd be OK, Tanaka did, but I felt my faith fail me, and couldn't believe it like he did 'would they really be OK?' I thought...

We left, Tendai walked us tp our bus stop. It was dark, past 11 pm. it was really cold too, a biting frost, we were just meters away from the river. We went past *Tatenda's house and decided to wake him and say hi. After that... I was home.

Tanaka called me and asked for my old bible... I knew instantly. the selfish Leine disappeared form the picture completely... I gave my brand new one, with an old "Daily bible reading" for November and December 2006 . To last until Chrismas. The only parts I'd EVER highlighted in that bible were about the Kingdom of God , His will...and His Love.

I believe Tendai will be OK, as God speaks to him through the word that Tanaka and I... offered.

Work

I sit in that canteen, look out the window and think "what"... "What is out there?" there has to be more than a football Stadium that my eyes can see. I become what I behold, what can I see? What do I behold? What is on my mind, that can be called divine and sacred, and help me move from a rejected young woman to an adopted child of God? I no longer find pleasure or find the physical appreciation of which i am subject, tasteful. I am the epitome of the figure produced by two colliding backgrounds, cultures.

Mentally, this has caused distress and identity confusion. I used to refer to myself as an Afro-European, although unsure of what that term meant.

But I'm a citizen of the Kingdom now Skies should be brighter, even under the assault of heavily discolored clouds. Yet... the bold, blue and capital letter "NORTH STAND" still stands, blinding my foresight, stuck on its walls...Overpowering my panoramic without much space for the sunny canopy or anything else that may be bright.

And it seems as though I have become all I can behold.